Ok, so here is the deal, year before last I had to take the Government to court to overturn the decision they made regarding my fitness for work. I won the case and they ended up with egg on their faces big style. All's well that ends well right? Wrong, this year I get called in for a medical (on a Sunday wtf is that all about?) and I offer them a copy of the ruling just so that I don't have to go through the same bullshit again. They say "no thanks, this is just routine". "Ok" says I and thinks nothing of it. Then I get a letter saying that they have decided I am fit for work and no longer qualify for benefits, but that I have the right to appeal the decision.

Damn right I will appeal!

So, I start the appeal procedure and they send me a letter saying that while the appeal is underway I will be paid at the assessment rate bla bla bla ... So begins the waiting game. Except this time, I know how stupid these bastards are, so I keep a close eye on things. As expected, no money arrives, so I ring them up, spend twenty minutes of my life progressing through the menu system on the phone "if you are calling to tell us we are dumb shits press one, if you have planted a bomb in one of our building press 2 ....." I eventually get to point where I am politely told to "hold for an operator" (thank fuck for that!) Despite the warnings that there are long queues and would I like to call back (like maybe in a few years time when we might have rediscovered our give-a-shit?) I hang in there and eventually get hold of a person who tells me that they are waiting for my sick note. "Oh" says I "I wasn't informed that one was required." "We wrote you a letter about it" (This by the way is the Government equivalent of the cheque is in the mail.) "Right" says I, "I will get one and send it off." End of journey through the limbo of Govspace.

So I make an appointment with the doctor, "no rush" says I, "I just need to get a sick note". Get the appointment, see the doctor, but wait! He is a locum doctor and can only give me a sick note for a month, which coincidentally is the same period of time as I would have got if I had just rung up for a sick note. So I take my sick note down to the job centre, ask them for a copy (cos they lose shit all the time) and then say I am handing in my sick note. In response I get a brown envelope slapped down on the counter in front of me. "What's this?" I ask. "An envelope". Well fuck me sideways, I would never have guessed that! "What's it for?" I try again. "Your sick note."

Fair enough, I can put a piece of paper in an envelope, so I do and I hand it to the woman. "No I don't want it, you have to post it." I swallow down the retort that is brewing because I have noticed the two burly security guards who have sidled over in case there is trouble. If the people behind the counter were less obnoxious, I feel the security guards would be unnecessary. OMG! That means I could save the government £28 000 a year just right there.

Anyway, I digress.

So I take the sick note, in its envelope to the nearest post box and pop it in. Eureka! I get some money at last. Then I realise, the sick note was for a month, backdated two weeks, which means that by the time I got the money, its run out again.

Well bugger!

I am a bright lass, I realise that I can phone and get another month, or I can go in and get three months as long as I don't see a locum. So I ring up, get an appointment - sorted. Not quite. Turns out that I am due at the hospital on the same day. No problem, I can do both right? Wrong, its is an hour by bus to the clinic, an hour back and an indeterminate amount of waiting time at the clinic (shortest time to date is 4 hours). No problem, I will ask for a new doctor appointment. Turns out I will have to wait a week to see the doctor (this puts me then 3 weeks without a sick note and without money - situation very desperate!) Then I get told, "or you can ring first thing in the morning and we might fit you in."

Bingo!

So I ring up, get an appointment and go to the doctor. Sorted right? Wrong. This doctor will only give me a months sick note because he is not up to date with my situation. (Dropped jaw a given right now) Bearing in mind that I suffer from anxiety and that I haven't slept properly for over a week (thanks to the medication the doctors give me), my tolerance is at an all time low. So I get my sick note and get told to book in for blood tests. I leave his office toot sweet, because if I don't I am going to bludgeon him to death with a blunt instrument. There is a queue a mile long by the receptionist and I am in no fit state to be anywhere near people right now, so I go home.

My new sick note (kindly backdated) runs out next week.

Anyone know how to make a C4 bomb?

Please?